It is very easy for friends and family members to offer advice or an opinion. But I am finally at the point where I can say - No, I know I am strong, I know I fuck up, but I know I have done everything I can to protect my children.
Do I want to drink too much when it gets tough?
No, but sometimes it has been survival. It is too much for a brain to comprehend and still function, parent, take kids to school, work, respond to millions of parent mails. I have been on a stop / start trajectory for the last couple of years and nothing screams jump back in than another Court date (recommend Annie Grace, The Naked Mind and the Reframe App) which is always coupled with one or both of the girls being triggered.
Do I want to smoke?
No, but sometimes it helps.
Do I also exercise daily, eat well, promote extra curricular clubs, take the girls swimming, have an open house to friends.
It has taken some time for me to stand up when well meaning friends judge - and shame me unintentionally. I now ask them to consider what it is like to live in flight or fight. To remind them I could have fell into a breakdown and never recovered. To explain I have accepted the warts and all healing. I am not proud, but I am here and I am making progress. My strength in standing up to well meaning family and friends is indicative that I am in a much better place and I am proud of that.
I have been fielding a lot of criticism about my eldest, just turned 14. She is struggling, but is she is bound to have periods when she rebels / withdraws / is emotionally unstable. And actually the fact that she is feeling the pain is probably positive as she buried it all for so long it seemed unnatural.
I read early on that the healing journey isn't linear, and I have found that time and time again. But if consider that even 2 years ago a day without a brain clouded with CPTSD wasn't possible, to now, when I don't think about it.
I was very stubborn though. And avoided any GP suggestions of medication. I thought I would be able to manage it with yoga and wine - I regret it. When the first Court Case ended I admitted I needed medication and now I can sleep. Taking medication is a very personal thing,
I have deviated a bit, but if this is you, surround yourself with friends that don't judge. That know you are doing the best you can and celebrate your wins and make space for you when you lapse.
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