I have always been a glass half full person, can see the positives, have a growth mindset and look to the future. But in the past few weeks I have felt broken. In my earlier post I wrote about judgement, and seriously I don't think anyone has in a year what I have had in the past 3 weeks. I say this not for pity, but the acknowledgement that if you are also a MOSAC, we know we are in it for the long game.
1. Lola did something stupid, and when I reprimanded her a neighbour called the police. If anything is going to cause a PTSD trigger....
2. Lola has started at a new school to get away from the people that KNOW and bully her. She started well and now says she hates it
3. Iris met with the Court appointed psychologist, who asked her to tell her what happened - WTF what psychologist does that in the first meeting
4. Court is likely to be postponed because of the above failings
5. My boss told me I got too drunk at a work dinner - Yup - but he hasn't wanted to know what is going on with me and where I may be struggling, he only cares because he didn't know what was happeing
6. My last ex husband is nagging me to take him back. I won't but is still draining
7. Have had to clean the house many times for house viewings
8. Covid and then a cold
9. The hardest thing is the emotional turmoil, my eldest angry with me because I have been short tempered and that she us struggling. I have had 6 years of seeing my daughter's suffer and it is enough.
10. Netball injury and 4 hours in a&e...
And the hardest thing, I've realised is how lonely it is. It feels like friends and family are tired of supporting me, not all by any means, but a lot. I am reminding myself that everyone has their own challenges, so to not take it personally but it still smarts.
It also feels like one psychopath ex husband is seen as unlucky but two (the second being a narcissist) shows something wrong with me. I have done a lot of reading around the subject and it appears I had more chance of falling foul the second time because I was easy pray, that my last husband knew I was in emotional turmoil so would be far easier to trauma-bond me and I would put up with more of his shit.
I keep reminding myself that this time will pass, that even though I have hit rock bottom there will be light again.
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