So when i wrote that my husband had left and I was heartbroken as it was all me and Court I realise I was still disillusioned.
It wasn't me, the Girls, Court, the menopause. It was him.
He just couldn't do it, love me, accept my love nor that of the children. I had realised things were bad but sometimes it is only space that allows you to drop the rose tinted glasses.
All of the signs were there but after being married to a peado / psychopath I believed and hoped I deserved love, and not be emotionally abused again. However I have come to realise that I was an easy target for a a narcissist. He could push the boundaries and I would accept them. I was the damaged one. I had CPTSD so every time he crossed the line - which was many - he could twist and say it was me.
Only when I started to recover and my voice returned did I realise he was gaslighting me. Again and again and again.
He would never listen to my needs, just spout his opinion. He could go out after work night after night never realising that every dinner that went in the bin when he was late home - a part of my love went in the bin too.
I started to see the effect he had on my children. The children I had done everything to protect were now being abused by another father figure. The cognitive dissonance I felt seeped into everything. I tried to stop drinking, take up new hobbies but if anything that made it worse.
I only realised it was narcissism by chance when Googling 'why does my husband always play a game on the phone when talking to me - it makes me feel shit'. And once I read it all became clear. But what is funny, knowing all of that, when he left I blamed myself. Now a few weeks on I realise I wasn't to blame.
I have royally fucked up and been difficult but always worked to change and grow, but as I grew he felt left behind which is why he left me.
It is a hard one to explain to friends and family. Unless you have lived it you can't know the damage of the constant passive aggressive comments, criticisms and stonewalling. When the stonewalling has lasted weeks and I have been left in turmoil at what I have done - when actually all I did was love which he just can't take.
It's made me extra angry to Liam. Would I have fallen for my husbands charm if I hadn't been so wounded. It's another impact of the abuse, that I have allowed this to happen to me again. However the line has been drawn.
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